Bratz: The Movie is Diaper Rash Rotten at 7%

Taken from my Rotten Tomatoes blog: A 20-Something Guy with the Movie Taste of a 14 Year Old Girl.

Bratz: The Movie. 5 Fresh reviews. 63 Rotten. 7% on the Tomatometer. $9.9 million at the box office. "Too shallow even for its target audience."

Who watches movies like this? I DO.

Keepin' it Gangsta Out Da BOX!

"[An] excruciatingly inane high-school comedy inspired by a line of sexually suggestive dolls aimed at 9-year-old girls." - Lou Lumenick, New York Post

I got interested in this green booger trainwreck based on a line of semi-successful dolls after checking out RT resident Wildcat Jen Yam's Meet a Critic with Michael Phillips. Phillips said (though I have a feeling he was joking),

JY: Who is the next breakthrough performer, director or writer on the horizon?
MP: Everyone in Bratz. Didn't you love Jon Voight in Bratz? Not since he got horked up by the snake in Anaconda have I seen such magic.

While Phillips may or may not have been joking, I figured if a movie was that memorable to the point that it was the first thing that came to his mind, there has to be some value to it.

Key to life: Money. Power. Respect. Friendship. Fashion.

7% on the Tomatometer. 11% by Cream of the Crop critics. There is hope.

With that in mind, I asked my roommate and RT Community Manager Ryan to shoot Bratz onto his Netflix queue.

Here is a rundown of the conversation:
D: So no Bratz?
R: You were serious?
D: I would watch it if it came in the mail. I'm just wondering what it does for 102 minutes.
R: Okay, I'll do it, but on one condition.
D: Of course you get to watch w/me!!
R: You have to watch it all the way to the end, even if I get bored and leave the room
D: Ok that's doable. I will watch and enjoy.
R: I'm putting it on my list right now and shooting it to the top of the queue. Is Jon Voight in this movie?? Poor man.

OMG, it's totally not that bad!

"The derivative Bratz is a great big pink marshmallow of a movie, aimed at one demographic only: tween girls into fashion and lip gloss. Anyone else, enter at your own risk." - Kit Bowen, Hollywood.com

Enter I will, Kit Bowen of Hollywood.com. Enter. I. Will. Besides, I love marshmallows.

"This is why the terrorists hate us." - Nathan Rabin, Onion AV Club

That might be taking it too far, Mr. Rabin.

"Bratz is like being raped by MySpace." Joshua Tyler, Cinemablend.com

Then add me, baby.

Be back with a full report soon, my BFF's!