So we've all heard by now that Ving Rhames' dogs (mastiffs) may have contributed to the death of the actor's housekeeper/assistant on Friday morning. While it appears that his death can be attributed to a heart attack, rather than a mauling, as was initially reported, I decided to look up these mastiffs so that I could know to never ever touch one ever.

Four legged terrors.

According to all knowing Wikipedia, mastiffs are...
"a combination of grandeur, dignity, and courage [AND HEART-ATTACK ENDUCING KILLING MACHINES]; calm and affectionate to its master, but capable of guarding [AGAINST DEFENSELESS ASSISTANTS WHO RUN FOR THEIR LIVES]. The breed is innately good natured [EXCEPT TOWARDS ASIANS], calm, easygoing, and surprisingly gentle [AS THEY MUNCH ON YOUR ARMS WHILE YOU TRY TO ESCAPE]. It is a well-mannered house pet but needs sufficient room to stretch out [OR THEY WILL ATTACK YOU]. This is an extremely loyal breed and though not excessively demonstrative, it is devoted to its family and good with children [AS LONG AS THEY NEVER LOOK THE BREED IN THE FACE]. However, it can be very protective of its owners [ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY'RE ACTORS] and must be handled sensibly, since it is exceptionally powerful and can be difficult to control [AND OCCASIONALLY ATTACK PEOPLE IN HERDS]. When an "unrecognizable" visitor enters the home, the Mastiff will usually place itself between its master and the visitor until their master has recognized the visitor in a way that appears to be compassionate or friendly [OR THEY WILL ATTACK THE VISITOR UNTIL THE MASTER SAYS STOP]."

All horrifying dog stories aside, this is a really sad story and my condolences go out to the family. Hopefully Rhames makes a statement soon because this "out of the country" crap is ridiculous. I cannot even imagine how horrifying of a way to die this must have been for Rhames' assistant. As an assistant myself, I'm just happy I made it through today's expense report that I churned out, but a personal assistant? Clearly, not the job for me after reading stories like this.

I can't help but think that this story is as big as it is because of the Michael Vick trial going on. Interesting that there's not a lot of "FREE VICK" shirts out there, but there's shirts like this...
For a while, all we talked about was anthrax. Before anthrax, we had the unibomber. We had some time with school shootings. Now all the news is about dogs. It's funny how the news creates this narrative of our lives when really, the same stuff has been going on for years (other than anthrax, I think that one was new at the time).